Holy Oxytocin: 10 Electric Teachings from Reb Shlomo That Flood Parenting with Fire and Tenderness
1.
Children are so delicate. You have to know exactly what to say — and what not to say. There are times you have to yell a little bit, but never too strong. It’s absolutely forbidden to yell at children.
I have a very deep feeling. Do you know when Mashiach is coming? When yelling at children is as forbidden as killing people — then they’ll be on the same level.
Imagine if you had holy eyes. You would see that when we yell at children, we push them two million miles away. Sometimes you have to yell a little bit — from outside, never from inside.
I was once a Hebrew school teacher for two weeks. I didn’t last too long. The head of the Hebrew school PTA didn’t like me because I taught the kids aleph-beis with my guitar — and by the third day, they knew the whole thing. But this lady said, “All I hear going on is singing.”
Looking back, I’m really thankful. If I had been a good Hebrew school teacher, I would never have started singing. I would have remained a little rebbele somewhere.
To make it very short: there were two little kids in my class, and when I left, it was really heartbreaking. One of them — he was seven years old — said, “Thank you so much for teaching us. And thank you so much for not yelling at us.”
2.
I was waiting for a plane at LaGuardia when I noticed a sophisticated-looking woman, who had obviously just bleached her hair and was reading Reader’s Digest, sitting with a little girl — maybe nine years old. Maybe the little girl had done something wrong, who knows.
But a little girl has nobody else in the world but her parents. And the whole time I was waiting for the plane, her mother kept yelling at her, “Who needs you? Who needs you?”
It struck me like the moment I first heard that six million Jews were killed. It’s the same thing. Telling a child “Who needs you?” — it’s the same thing as saying, “Who needs six million?” Believe me, I wanted to adopt that little girl and take her with me to the end of the world.
But we’re living in a world where the voice of the opposition is still so strong. It just broke my heart. I was mamash sick for a week after that. If you had seen the eyes of that little girl each time her mother said, “Who needs you” — she looked desperate. And if that’s what her mother tells her in public at the airport, who knows what she says at home.
So what do we have to do, friends? Just believe more in human beings. Believe more in each other.
3.
Okay, now one thing very, very important.
I would be less nervous if the kids weren’t holding candles — as much as I love them. I’ve already seen that with their great joy, children sometimes aren’t so careful. Please — because I want there to be complete joy.
Now, children, don’t be angry at me. I love you the most. We need you to dance, not to hold candles. You yourselves are the most beautiful candles in the world. You’re not adding anything by holding one — we just need you to be here, with all your joy and your holiness.
4.
When does a woman get the strength to jump out of bed in the middle of the night when a baby is crying?
When she starts walking to the chuppah, God gives her the feet of a holy woman. And then, in the middle of your sleep, somehow your feet jump out of bed and you run to the babies.
5.
There seems to be a secret union between the holy mothers and all Jewish daughters. They mamash walk with them all the time. They know what it is to be a mother. They know what it is to be a wife — like nobody else in the world.
And do you know when Sarah, Rivka, Rachel, and Leah are walking — do you think they’re walking alone? They’re taking all the children with them. All the children who are born, and all the children who are not born yet.
Have you ever seen such a holy ceremony? Our holy mothers walking with the bride and all the children. Blessed are those eyes who can see it. Blessed are those hearts who feel it.
6.
The Volcher says: If every time you’re walking down the street, you say, “There goes one of God’s creatures — an image of God,” it’s so beautiful. Then you love God more.
But if each time you see a human being you say, “There goes a disgusting creep,” then you don’t love God more.
How do I know if I love my baby? Someone shows me a picture of my baby — it’s so beautiful. Someone says, “I have two thousand pictures.” And I say, “No, really one is enough. I know my baby. Who needs a picture?”
Because if I don’t want to look, maybe I don’t love my baby, right?
A human being is just a picture of God. And if I really love God, I love all the pictures.
7.
The same way that God is opening gates for you now — whenever you need them — you should be privileged to open gates on your own. You should be privileged to open gates for your children. For all of Israel.
And you know, there are two ways of opening gates. Sometimes you have to break the gates open. And sometimes you just have to push a little button — but you have to know where it is.
So we bless you right now: God should reveal to you all the buttons in heaven. Sadly enough, most of us don’t know where they are. So God should show you a little light — where to push the buttons. And God should give you the privilege to open the gates in heaven, and to open the gates of people’s hearts.
8.
Do you know why the children of David HaMelech will be Mashiach?
Because David HaMelech discovered a new technique — he taught his children how close God is.
So we bless you with the blessing of David HaMelech: Mi dogul al ha-chol — you should teach your children how close God is. You should teach all of Israel, and the whole world, how close God is. Mi dogul al ha-chol, hoo yevarech et ha-chatan.
9.
Why does Eliyahu HaNavi come to a Jewish man at his bris, and to a girl at her chuppah?
Maybe I’m not right, and if I’m wrong, stop me. But… maybe the truth is… the greatest thing for a woman is to bring another little Jewish boy and another little Jewish girl into the world.
So Eliyahu HaNavi is waiting until the chuppah. He’s giving her the strength to build a Jewish home — to be a holy Jewish mother to her children.
10.
It’s such a special privilege to get married before Pesach — when Eliyahu HaNavi is mamash walking the streets of this world. Looking at Jewish doors to see if they are open. Looking in the windows. Looking at the children.